When the Last Leaf Fell

“I don’t know how much longer our marriage will last,” I said. “I don’t know what will happen to my marriage,” I said to the woman who was sitting across from me. And then, as I finished my sentence, a yellow leaf, fluttered to the couch and down to the floor and I said,” Is that an omen?”

“I do not know,” she said.

And I sat there with tears streaming down my face. My thoughts swirled past thoughts and memories of thirty-nine years together and our dating and friendship years before that. The joys and sorrows, mixed feelings, school, work, kids and raising a family, and now we were here, aged, senior citizens, grandparents, and the life between us sucked. We barely could speak, without one of us becoming uncomfortable.

The leaf falling had to been an omen. The death of our marriage.

Or, was it? Was the leaf signifying the death, the end of what we have known in marriage? Could it be that we are heading for a dormant season of winter, that looks so bleak that even the birds fly south and we are left alone, stark, lonely, accepting the winds of time, and needing to weather the blizzards and cold winds and sleet that will come our way and even break off branches or major boughs that we have treasured? Can I? Can he? Can we, together, weather this storm that has come before us? Can we? Will we make it? Can I make it through another day? Another winter? Will he be able to do the same?

The thought occurred to me that a falling leaf, even the last one, doesn’t signify death. It only signifies the end of a season and God created trees with the resilience to be able to flex in the winds and during seasons of storms. So also, I must grow deep roots in the loving soil and deep, refreshing, and nourishing waters of God’s love, His Spirit, and His Presence, to know and abide in and with Him. Apart from God, I am nothing and can do nothing of eternal value or significance. I’d just be a stick in the ground or, one could say, a “stick in the mud.” With God, on the other hand, I can do all things that He has created and designed for me to do and be.

Although my tree may look bare, as the last leaf has fallen, I do believe that spring follows winter, and in His perfect timing, I will bear fruit, the fruit of His Spirit and have leaves that do not fade. I will drink from His nourishing wellspring of Love and, eventually, transform into an evergreen tree, growing by His everlasting stream of love, grace, forgiveness, mercy, and truth.

In the meantime, until I am more fully transformed, I will accept this season of desolation and despair, with these bleak, dark, and dreary branches, knowing that, in time and in due season, my branches will show forth buds of life and bloom with the fruit of His Spirit!

Peace to you and God bless you, as well!

Sincerely, and in His Love,

Precious Linda

c. 2015

P.S. I wrote this last summer on August 20, 2015. I’m very grateful to say that my husband and I have weathered the most difficult storm of our lives and were able to recently celebrate our 40^th anniversary, with joy and delight, having grown with the help of others who came alongside us, with prayers, working together, and allowing and trusting the work of God’s Spirit in our lives, as well. Thank you to all who have supported us on our journey together. We are forever grateful.

Finding Gratefulness in Difficult Moments of Life

This week, I became aware that it’s possible to transform old experiences from memories of something painful into memories of learning something new and for which I can be grateful, and by developing my integrity, which can only happen during times of conflict or stress. Needless to say, this is not something for someone who runs away from fearful or troubling memories or is unable to act out of courage and faith.

On Monday, in a community education class, Gratitude Castle, I learned that a gratitude journal provides a way to record past or present experiences from a perspective of acceptance and appreciation. It provides an invitation to view difficult experiences from a perspective that’s different than the one used at the time of an incident. It allows the brain, the mind, the body, soul, and spirit to integrate into a collective understanding, with a sense of knowing that whatever happened was for a reason, for a lesson to be learned, and was for one’s ultimate good, and for experiencing abundance in this life.

I can choose to remain stubborn and remain stuck with the memories and feelings of a past incident, forever rehashing what happened, from my perspective, at that time, only to relive the same feelings and thoughts over and over. I could continue to ask myself, “Why did it have to happen that way?” or “What if it hadn’t happened?” or Why me?” or “How can I get past this?” or tell myself, “I should have known better!” but each of these responses only digs the rut of those same thoughts and feelings deeper and deeper.

As I learned about keeping a gratitude journal, I heard about how I can practice “living through gratitude,” as a way of being and looking at the universe, the world in which I live, including the spiritual aspects of life. I recall Bible verses I have known and sought to live by, including: “Give thanks in all circumstances” and “Rejoice in the Lord always.” (See: 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 and Philippians 4:4) I have interpreted these verses to mean, “Try to do this! Try to look at the positive side. Try to see the silver lining in every cloud,” but after a while, darkness sets in, thoughts and feelings repeat, and a rut is formed. It’s very difficult to get out of a well-worn rut, especially during storms when the rain is pelting down so hard that it just makes the mud deeper and more slippery. There is no or very little traction found in a muddy rut, especially during the difficult storms of life.

My friend and teacher, Linda Abbott, explained how life’s experiences, no matter how difficult or unbearable, become our life’s lessons and it’s those lessons that become our memories. Our memories, no matter how painful, can be transformed from shock, terror, disappointment, disillusionment, unbearable grief, deep loss, and heartache to something totally new, surprising, even joyful… such as what I wrote in My Grandma’s Love, where, after forty-three years of grieving my grandmother’s death, five days before Christmas when I was twelve, I was finally able to celebrate her life, each year, and every moment I think of or remember her. I am also able to sense new things about my grandmother and her life, and imagine her loving presence with me, when I need a grandma’s love. Learning how to fully grieve her untimely and sudden death, decades after being unable to, has taught me that I can find ways to let go of other deeply personal and difficult emotions from old hurts and wounded places in my heart, mind, body, and soul.

In his book, Rock the Boat, Resmaa Menakem wrote: “Integrity only appears when there is conflict or stress. It doesn’t take integrity to do the right thing when nothing stands in your way.” This, too, fits my need and desire to take an honest look at old memories that have not yet been transformed, bringing my heart, mind, soul, spirit, and body into full agreement in what was meant to eventually be an integral learning experience for my good and for the good of others.

With these things in mind, I look forward to continuing with this class and learning from one who has lived through extremely difficult times and found ways to transform the ashes of her difficult experiences into beauty, with love, truth, faith, hope, acceptance, and gratefulness.

This is what I want to do, as I seek to allow God’s Spirit of love and light to shine into my dark and hidden places, revealing truth and lessons to be learned, as I choose to look at and ponder these things from more than my single-minded, myopic perspective.

I believe, as I allow the Spirit of Love to enter more and more of my being, acceptance, trust, hope, and faith will grow, and that’s when and where I will see transformation happen!

Precious Linda, c. 2015

A Different Perspective!

The words of this poster picture went straight to my heart, when I was experiencing a difficult time in my life. The message struck a chord of truth for me. I stopped to allow the words to permeate deep within my mind. They continued to seep into my heart and found their way to my soul and spirit. I was able to refocus my thoughts and my feelings flowed.  With a renewed spirit, I was able to begin moving forward again.

When something doesn’t seem right in my life or something unexpected happens, it's so easy to focus on my half-filled cup. It's as if something's missing, needs to change, or something's wrong. I begin to wonder why others appear to have filled cups and I don’t. I’ve tried filling my cup with activities or relationships that are important to me. Sometimes, I fill it with food or other things I have purchased. I’ve prayed for myself and others, and have written out my conversations with God, to help me slow down and listen to what I think He would say, if He were next to me. This helps, sometimes, but eventually, my cup continues to appear half-filled.

If my cup were filled to the top, I think I’d probably be sloshing it around and spilling it all over, as I live my life, and end up with a half-filled cup, anyway. Perhaps, we were created to have cups that are only half-full so the rest of the cup can be filled with something else – maybe even something invisible! Perhaps, there’s more to this world than what we can see with our eyes.

I’m beginning to think we were created to carry the unique parts of ourselves in our cups – a combination of our physical and mental traits and abilities, personality, and experiences - and then allow God to fill our cups to overflowing with His Spirit – a spirit of love, joy, peace, goodness, mercy, and forgiveness. Perhaps these two unique and different parts were meant to come together, such that the seen and unseen parts mix and combine, until something new is created – a new creation! I believe we can welcome the work of God’s Spirit within ourselves to transform us, through faith-filled decisions, or we can remain stuck in our old ways of thinking and doing things.

For now, I will choose to consider the difficult times in my life as “blessings in disguise” and trust they are part of God’s loving plan for me to grow and mature. He gives me ample opportunities to make faith-filled choices, again and again, so I can grow up, little by little, in faith and love and, thereby, witness the wonderful transformation and blessings He has in store for me.

Sometimes, it seems painstakingly slow, to watch and wait for the growth to be seen. I think it’s similar to a farmer or gardener, who prepares the soil of their field or garden before planting the seeds, knowing and hoping that most of the seeds will sprout, take root, and grow into something not yet seen. In the same way, I will trust that God will do His amazing and unseen work in my life, as I allow Him to fill my cup with His Spirit of love and, as I make decisions that allow His Spirit to take root, deep within my heart, mind, soul, and spirit. Hopefully, with patience and faith-filled choices, I will eventually see more and more of the wonderful fruit of the Spirit that God desires to grow inside of me.

I hope and pray each of us will experience the peace and blessings of our cups overflowing with God's amazing love, grace, and wisdom, mixed together with all that He gives us to carry for His beautiful purposes. May we truly experience the privilege of witnessing miraculous transformations in our lives, and in the lives of those around us, as we choose to allow His Spirit to fill and permeate our cups.

May God bless you and me, with His amazing love, peace, and Presence, today and always!

Precious Linda

I Wish I Could Die!

I wish I could die and not feel all this pain.

I wish I could fly over rocky road shame.

I wish I could never be trampled on again.

I wish I could end it! When will my life end?

I’m helpless, it’s true! It makes me feel blue.

Yellow-bellied, lily-livered, through and through.

My life is a waste. Don’t tell me, “Somehow,

It’s worth it to live and I’ll take a bow.”

My parents don’t love me; they don’t seem to care.

I feel like an orphan or soiled underwear. 

My friends are too busy, or don’t really know why

I avoid them, and tremble; and then, I just sigh.

Others in this world have it better than me.

Some others have it worse - a lot worse, I see.

Perhaps I’m in the middle of the “Yuck-o-Meter” now.

I wonder if I can find my way out of this, somehow.

I've heard it said in the really Good Book:

Sometimes you need to stop, and just take a look

At what’s really around you, and not too far

From the place you are standing, just where you are.

It needs to be okay to be where you are.

You've come a long way, so follow your Star.

I can’t find it! I can’t see! It’s way too dark for me!

Then turn on a light, or follow One closely.

It really doesn't matter; just get on the move

To become unstuck and to find your groove!

My breathing has settled; I’m much calmer, you know.

There was so much pent-up energy, I had to let go!

I thank you, profusely, for letting me vent;

I hope I didn't ding you up, or give you a dent.

Sometimes my emotions and feelings go wild.

It truly wasn't easy for me, as a child.

Sometimes, I get triggered and really confused,

Mixing past hurts and present ones, with similar cues.

For now, I will breathe, and relax for a while,

Sit down, and enjoy a much calmer lifestyle.

And then, I will get up and realize somehow

That I am a bit different; I do not know how.

I’m glad I took time to listen to me.

I’m no longer the same; I’m happier, you see,

‘Cause I've made it past another big hurdle today.

With practice, it will be easier, come what may.

Precious Linda, c. 2014

I slightly edited and revised this poem and posted it here on November 7, 2014.

Encouraging Poster Pics!

I've come across many "poster pics" on fb that I find encouraging and thought-provoking. I'd like to share a few that I found today at: Words of Wisdom, along with some comments and additional links. Enjoy!!

Poster Pic 1 - Learn to Love
This poster pic reminds me of a story about thorns and being thankful for the thorns in our lives. If you wish to read it, you can read it here: Thankful for the Thorns

 

 Poster Pic 2 - God will never leave you empty.
This reminds me that God loves us and knows what's best for us. If He asks us to let go of something, or even chooses to "prune" us, it's because He has something better in mind for us and for those whose lives we touch. God knows how to give the perfect gifts to us.

Poster Pic 3 - Searching
What a great reminder that I am the only one who can make changes in my life.

Poster Pic 4 - 7 Rules of Life
It's taken me quite a while to learn these rules. Some of them, I'm still learning. Even so, I believe they are all true.

Poster Pic 5 - The Best Place in the World
What an amazing and special place to be.

Poster Pic 6 - Actions Speak Louder Than Words

This is a great reminder of how what we think is not seen and our actions speak louder than words. It also reminds me that "faith without works is dead." I need to be sure my words and actions and thoughts are the same and coming through in my interactions with others.

Poster Pic 7 - I am Your Parent
I believe this is true of GRANDPARENTS, as well! :)

Poster Pic 8 - Beautiful Has Nothing To  Do With Looks
I like this saying. If someone knows that they are loved, they will be more open to listening to another and even, perhaps, look to them as a role model or mentor. These types of people, those who love us and we know we are accepted by them, no matter what, are remembered forever... just like my grandmother who died when I was twelve. Since love never ends, I know her love continues for me, too!

Poster Pic 9 - Faith is Taking the First Step 
Sometimes, I can be afraid to take the next step... in doing something new or in doing what I need to do. Interestingly, when I take that "one step," it opens up a whole new set of steps and opportunities that I didn't have before! Although, I don't necessarily know where my "first step" or the next one will lead to, I can take those steps with that God know where they lead. If I follow His lead or His "still, small voice," I know He will be there beside and within me, giving me the strength and wisdom to do what He asks of me and "make my path straight." I hadn't really thought that "just one step" can also be a step of faith, when we don't know where we are going or what will happen. Even so, the Lord is with me and also with you, if we just acknowledge and trust Him.

Poster Pic 10 - Friends That are Like Family
On days when my family seems distant or far away, it's nice to know that friends who love me and show me trust, honesty, love, and respect are truly "family" to me and will always be family to me! Thank you to those of you who are friends like that to me!

Poster Pic 11 - 8 Things to Give Up
This is a great reminder of things to give up... not necessarily" just for Lent" or for a season, but in order to be a healthy, integrated self. I'm still learning how to "give up" these things and probably will always need to make conscious choices to choose to think differently. I think it would also be helpful for me to replace these choices with confidence, thankfulness, courage, encouragement, affirmations, making decisions and moving on, humility, and self-awareness and acceptance.

Poster Pic 12 - The Most Beautiful People
Oftentimes, we do not know the stories behind the lives of people, even when we think we know the person well, and the struggles and difficulties they have gone through or are going through. This poster pic reminds me of a poetic story, The Most Beautiful Flower, by Cheryl Costello-Forshey. It has an unexpected twist that I think will touch your heart. May you find it beautiful, too, and may you find yourself, becoming more and more beautiful on the inside, as well! You can read it at: "The Most Beautiful Flower" and other poems, too!

Well, that's all for now! I hope you enjoyed these poster pics with me!

Precious Linda

Happy Easter and Merry Christmas!!

Without Christmas, there is no Easter. That’s why I still have a brightly-lit Christmas tree sitting in my living room. This year, its 1 1/2 feet tall. It reminds me that Jesus came to this earth as a baby, to be the Light of the world, to show us the way to His Heavenly Father-God. Not only that, He came to set us free from the ongoing lies of the evil one… thoughts in our minds that gnaw at us, day and night, trying to keep us from believing the One who can actually rescue us from those lies that drag us down to the depths of despair, loneliness, bitterness, unforgiveness, like heavy weights and baggage hanging around our necks, ankles, or carried in our hands or on our backs.

 Jesus came… not just to die... but also to live, to show us a way to live above and beyond our circumstances, to give us hope and life, not just for this life, but with our Father-Creator who longs for us to return home to Him… to a place of love, without judgment, to a place of love that redeems us and has paid the ransom for believing and trusting the one who is a liar, instead of the One who is Truth.

I look at this small, Christmas tree and remember God’s amazing love… to send His only begotten Son, not made or created, but the very essence of Himself… to live in this world, which is being assaulted with the lies of the evil one. God's Son came to bring us Truth… the message and hope of love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness, and self-control. Not only that, but to those who believe that He is truly the Son of God and the Son of Man, the One who came to free us from the bondage and yoke of constant, fruitless unbelief…He has come to break those chains and set us free, once and for all. He offers us the gift of the Spirit of Life, of Love, of forgiveness and mercy… to truly give us life… eternal life, through the power of the resurrected Christ, a gift to us, the Holy Spirit who lives and dwells in each one who believes that Jesus Christ, came to bring us out of living in darkness to the place of living in Light, eternal life with Him!

May you enjoy a blessed Easter, as you celebrate Christmas, whether it’s today or tomorrow or years from now. I pray that this will truly be a day of joy, deep, deep within your heart and soul, not just on the day you say or said, “Yes!” to Christ, but every single moment of every day, that you, too, acknowledge the Power and Presence of His Spirit with you, within you, comforting and directing you, and doing what you could never imagine, in and through You!

May the peace of the Lord Jesus Christ be with you, now and always!! Amen!

Happy Easter and Merry Christmas!

Hallelujah! The LORD is RISEN!!

He is Risen, indeed!!

Precious Linda, c.2014

Sitting next to my little Christmas tree is the painting from my friend. To learn why it’s sitting there and what it means to me, you can read my previous post at: http://twowhitebutterflies.blogspot.com/2013/03/two-white-butterflies-watercolor.html.

You may also wish to see y Christmas tree and what I wrote last Easter at: http://twowhitebutterflies.blogspot.com/2013/03/happy-easter.html. 

My Vending Machine God

I have, oftentimes, looked to God as a “vending machine god.” You know, the one I can go to anytime, pull a lever and out comes a blessing. Maybe it’s a blessing in “disguise,” but nevertheless, it’s God’s answer.

How often have I treated God this way, looking toward Him with a greedy, little heart, asking whatever I want and hoping He will give me His blessings or “rubber stamp” my agenda with His “O.K.?”

It grieves me to know that I truly have done this, many times, throughout my life. Sitting in a pew doesn’t make me a Christian. Praying and asking my “Vending Machine God” to bless someone doesn’t either. No, there must be something more.

This morning, as I was going through my “Good morning, Linda” conversation (http://twowhitebutterflies.blogspot.com/2013/03/good-morning-linda.html), instead of just reading, “Be still and know… trust… that I am God, Linda” and checking it off, as if in agreement, I wrote: “I am still (quiet) before You… listening, waiting, seeking You!” and sensed God saying, “Thank you!” However, I had intended to write… and somewhat pridefully, I hate to admit, “I am still (quiet), before you… seeking Your will, Your word, Your Spirit”… but, as I thought about what I was about to write, I noticed that my words had the idea or sense of “What can You give me, God?” rather than anticipating what He wanted to share with me, in that moment.

I was flabbergasted! I was appalled! Here, I thought I was “doing my duty,” coming before God, early in the morning, acknowledging Him – just like I was supposed to… and found out my heart wasn’t in the right place. Instead of coming to God with reverence and awe and humility, I came boldly, as a rash, prideful child or teenager, expecting something from Him rather than anticipating the joy of an intimate relationship with Him. I came to Him like someone holding her hand out to her father with the thought of, “What are you going to give me today?”

Oh, I’m so ashamed! I have treated my beloved Heavenly Father like a vending machine, expecting blessings and words of wisdom and nuggets of truth and power to do whatever I thought was best.

Tears are filling my eyes, as I realize how much God loves me, knowing how I’ve treated Him. He loves me, and you, so much that He sent His only begotten Son to live in human form in this world… to be born as a baby… to teach us what this loving, Father-Son relationship really looks like… with interactive trust, hope, faith, love, and the power of the Holy Spirit… with the plan that Jesus would be the perfect, sacrificial Lamb of God for the Jews, first, for the forgiveness of their sins, and then for the Gentiles, for all of mankind (or, humankind, if you prefer).  And, not only that, but for all who believe in Jesus, as the Son of God and as their Savior and Lord, we are given a new name, adopted as sons and daughters of the Father, provided with the gift of the Holy Spirit to empower and enable us to be renewed, transformed, and restored in our minds and hearts and healed of wounds and bitterness, and given the hope of resurrection and eternal life with the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit… with God Almighty, beginning now and forever.

I have taken this all for granted and, worse, I have taken God for granted, too, expecting that He will do what’s best for me since He is a loving God, but without accepting the responsibilities of being a growing and maturing follower of Jesus Christ and responsible member of His family. I’m embarrassed to say, I have been an immature, irresponsible child… yes, even as a child of God… who has thought more about what I want and what I think than of what my Heavenly Father desires for me and for you and for all of humankind.

Lord? I’m ready to listen… I’m here with You!

XOXO Linda

Precious Linda, c. 2013

the self-critic and the judge

snippets of thoughts, playful words

a hodgepodge of intentions

never meeting hands, feet, and brain

at the same time

a clutter of ideas and hopes

churning and simmering

boil over and become

a burnt offering of tasty intentions

swirls of thoughts

like colors on a palette

that never reach canvas                                              

plans, hopes, ideas

great ideas

waiting for a brush stroke,

yearning to burst forth

into radiant strokes of beauty,

deep shades of passion,

contrasting with darker strokes

of fear, loss, and pain

I can’t. I won’t.

I feel overwhelmed,   

trembling with excitement and hope,

mixed with fear.

What if

I make a mistake,

share an inappropriate thought,

get laughed at,

ridiculed, or criticized?

I must write and paint

words and colors deep within,

waiting to burst forth

from within my soul

onto the canvas before me.

Now, I must decide

whether to share this canvas

with you,

with others,

or keep it for my eyes only.

I must choose

to be or not to be

myself

on the canvas of life

with you

or

nothing at all

to you.

Precious Linda, c. 2012