Take It or Leave It – Truth is a Choice – PG 13 - Finding Light in Unusual Places

I've been a prick… a finger-pointing, judgmental, a$$h0le… a “chip off the old block”… a “goody-two-shoes” who has lived a façade or in an internal prison for most of my life. I’m “coming out”… not in the current, cultural way that it usually means… but I’m tired of living in an internal prison, locked within my old mindsets, my old ways of doing things and thinking. Perhaps you could liken it to a very, very, VERY belated “teenage rebellion” which, for me, while living at home, was equivalent to annihilation and the only way I could survive was to go under… hidden… for fear of what would happen, if I didn't.

Oh, yes, there’s been the church-going, Bible-believing, praying part of me, too. And, yes, I truly believe there is an awesome God who loves… others… and I've tried to believe He loves me, too, but when you've lived underground for so long, it’s sometimes hard to believe there is a place called, “Daylight.” I've been seeing shimmers of that “Light” and love and care and kindness in some most extraordinary ways.

Believe it or not, I have found a community of kind people, who welcome me as part of a family, in an online, model car club. It’s uncanny what a kind word or a thank you can mean to me. It’s weird to truly build relationships of trust with other people who I don’t even know and to believe they aren’t going to hurt me… at least, not intentionally. I learn from them that, even when life isn’t a bunch of roses, and the thorns in life “hurt like hell,” life goes on. Many live with internal or external pain or disabilities or difficult life situations, and yet, they each find a way to go on with their lives and be encouraging and kind to one another. This is new for me, and I’m sitting here in tears, letting the pain of living in an internal prison of fear and survival be released, as I realize, that this is how life has been for me, but there’s more to life, beyond the pain, beyond the fear, beyond the internal prison, I have lived in for years - for decades, in fact.

This morning, I saw the following “poster pic,” posted by a Facebook friend, and it really made me begin to think about how I've been living in an “internal prison.”

After I pondered it and thought about how it applied to me, I wrote:

“I believe this is true, but for me, it sounds easier said than done. Instead of being in a literal prison, I have sometimes felt as if I were in an internal prison. Internal ones are a bummer!”

After that, I saw this, which caught me by surprise and I had to think about it for a while, too:

 After thinking about it for a while, I wrote a response that surprised even me!

“What an interesting quote! I always thought that I enjoyed sharing love, joy, and encouragement with others because it felt and was good,  for me and the other person, and it was kind, but now I can also see how not experiencing those things or experiencing much negativity and disrespect has given me a reason to share the opposite with others. Thanks for the interesting quote!”

 Then, I was “hit” with another one that took some moments to “wrap my head, heart, and soul” around.

Again, I wrote a response that surprised me, but it’s the truth, I believe:

“Wow! You have some very interesting quotes here! I've never looked at life this way, probably because I'd rather forget the ‘not so nice stuff’ but perhaps this is true! Thanks for giving me much to ponder! “

After this, I was in tears.

Someone touched my heart in areas that have been bruised and hurt, with lovingkindness and gentle humor, with silly things, like this:

or:

 Of course, I laughed and smiled. Someone cared enough to send me these personalized messages. Many members of the model car club community joined in to participate at my impromptu birthday party at the make-believe location where we have cruise nights, drag races, and fun at the campground, lake, mud hole, etc.  They joined in with stories of their own, cruised by in their cool cars, or told stories about car keys being stolen by a large monkey, who eventually finished up all the food in the picnic area!

I began looking at inspirational quotes online, and more tears just kept flowing and flowing - from places of deep and hidden pain and darkness, tucked away “for posterity” but now, finally finding a way to be released - with a good release of pent-up, unnamed and unprocessed feelings from long ago, that have waited for the right time to be felt. These feelings began to flow and release me from the dark prison in which I have found myself.

I found inspirational quotations (*) such as:

“Life is so much brighter when we focus on what truly matters…”

“Pay no attention to those who talk behind your back, it only means that you’re two steps ahead of them.”

“Your life is a result of the choices you make… If you don’t like your life it is time to start making better choices.”

“Pain makes you stronger. Tears make you braver.  Heartbreak makes you wiser. So thank the past for a better future.”

And other quotations (**) such as:

“The tallest oak in the forest was once just a little nut that held its ground.”

“Believe you can & you’re halfway there.” – Theodore Roosevelt

“To strengthen the muscles of your heart, the best exercise is lifting someone else’s spirit whenever you can.” – Dodinsky (NOTSALMON.COM)

“You don’t always need a plan. Sometimes you just need to breathe, trust, let go and see what happens.” – Mandy Hale

“Your opinion is not my reality” – Dr. Steve Maraboli

“Stars can’t shine without darkness.”

“If your dreams don’t scare you, they aren’t big enough.”

“Pain doesn’t just show up in our lives for no reason.  It’s a sign that something in our lives needs to change.”

“Let your faith be bigger than your fear.”

“You are only confined by the walls you build yourself.” [OOPS!! This sounds like what I have been writing about!! The internal, prison walls!!]

“Whatever you believe about yourself on the inside is what you will manifest on the outside.” [OOOOHHH!! Interesting!!]

Thank you to all who have been part of my healing process. Yes, my healing will continue, but with friends who love me and care about me, just as I am; there’s nothing better. Interestingly, I have rarely found this type of friendship at “church.” Yes, “birds of a feather, flock together” but as another friend mentioned recently, some of us just “don’t fit” into the current, regular mold. In fact, since we are ALL unique, there truly isn't another person, just like you or just like me.

I’m going to spend the rest of my life, getting to know me and letting you get to know me, too! And, I will do my best to show acceptance and compassion towards you and your uniqueness, too!

Precious Linda

I originally wrote this in July 2014, and will change the date of this post, in a couple weeks, to reflect the date I completed it.

I have decided to share this piece with you, my blog readers, as a way of sharing my life experiences, learning, struggles, and journey.

I hope you enjoyed the uplifting quotes and poster pics, too!

I rated this writing as PG13 because of some of the language.

Precious Linda (2014-11-26)

CREDITS:

The first three poster pics are from: https://www.facebook.com/inspiring.posts/timeline.

The cat picture can be seen at: https://fbcdn-sphotos-h-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xpa1/v/t34.0-12/10564613_1444446125819244_1780294187_n.jpg?oh=61ef57754d1169918a1603f43a3900c9&oe=54788444&__gda__=1417187093_e6dc03500b18dd2062eaf2342659d153

The photo with the flower that was eaten can be seen at: https://fbcdn-sphotos-h-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xpf1/v/t34.0-12/10581366_1444707382459785_1396412739_n.jpg?oh=061bda08dcc0c7483efb2ff1662fb406&oe=5478EA5E&__gda__=1417216746_c767b1f78738b67811e94dfe4d15f253.

(*) The first set of quotations is from: https://www.google.com/search?q=inspirational+quotes+about+life&tbm=isch&imgil=CBKgfujxynqL5M%253A%253Bhttps%253A%252F%252Fencrypted-%20tbn0.gstatic.com%252Fimages%253Fq%253Dtbn%253AANd9GcRRO2eksBnegtflOeLAbOkRJ1NMwquHHPlrWNN0HJGYah1S_2UIcA%253B660%253B660%253BXmHUslchBMPYMM%253Bhttp%25253A%25252F%25252Frishikajain.com%25252F2012%25252F04%25252F08%25252Flife-quote-2%25252F&source=iu&usg=__44g7lPZ6iFLvAuLHPZP8lX942ls%3D&sa=X&ei=DpzPU9Zkxe2gBIb3goAD&sqi=2&ved=0CDEQ9QEwAQ&biw=1232&bih=870#facrc=_&imgdii=_&imgrc=CBKgfujxynqL5M%253A%3BXmHUslchBMPYMM%3Bhttp%253A%252F%252Frishikajain.com%252Fwp-content%252Fuploads%252F2012%252F05%252F417306_279654318770491_266307820105141_599462_1302102688_n2.jpg%3Bhttp%253A%252F%252Frishikajain.com%252F2012%252F04%252F08%252Flife-quote-2%252F%3B660%3B660

(**) The second set of quotations is from: http://www.dumpaday.com/random-pictures/inspirational-quotes-week-32-pics-2/

This was originally written on July 23, 2014 and published on this blog on November 11, 2014 at 7:52 p.m. Today, December 14, 2014, I will list it as published on July 23, 2014. 

Encouraging Poster Pics!

I've come across many "poster pics" on fb that I find encouraging and thought-provoking. I'd like to share a few that I found today at: Words of Wisdom, along with some comments and additional links. Enjoy!!

Poster Pic 1 - Learn to Love
This poster pic reminds me of a story about thorns and being thankful for the thorns in our lives. If you wish to read it, you can read it here: Thankful for the Thorns

 

 Poster Pic 2 - God will never leave you empty.
This reminds me that God loves us and knows what's best for us. If He asks us to let go of something, or even chooses to "prune" us, it's because He has something better in mind for us and for those whose lives we touch. God knows how to give the perfect gifts to us.

Poster Pic 3 - Searching
What a great reminder that I am the only one who can make changes in my life.

Poster Pic 4 - 7 Rules of Life
It's taken me quite a while to learn these rules. Some of them, I'm still learning. Even so, I believe they are all true.

Poster Pic 5 - The Best Place in the World
What an amazing and special place to be.

Poster Pic 6 - Actions Speak Louder Than Words

This is a great reminder of how what we think is not seen and our actions speak louder than words. It also reminds me that "faith without works is dead." I need to be sure my words and actions and thoughts are the same and coming through in my interactions with others.

Poster Pic 7 - I am Your Parent
I believe this is true of GRANDPARENTS, as well! :)

Poster Pic 8 - Beautiful Has Nothing To  Do With Looks
I like this saying. If someone knows that they are loved, they will be more open to listening to another and even, perhaps, look to them as a role model or mentor. These types of people, those who love us and we know we are accepted by them, no matter what, are remembered forever... just like my grandmother who died when I was twelve. Since love never ends, I know her love continues for me, too!

Poster Pic 9 - Faith is Taking the First Step 
Sometimes, I can be afraid to take the next step... in doing something new or in doing what I need to do. Interestingly, when I take that "one step," it opens up a whole new set of steps and opportunities that I didn't have before! Although, I don't necessarily know where my "first step" or the next one will lead to, I can take those steps with that God know where they lead. If I follow His lead or His "still, small voice," I know He will be there beside and within me, giving me the strength and wisdom to do what He asks of me and "make my path straight." I hadn't really thought that "just one step" can also be a step of faith, when we don't know where we are going or what will happen. Even so, the Lord is with me and also with you, if we just acknowledge and trust Him.

Poster Pic 10 - Friends That are Like Family
On days when my family seems distant or far away, it's nice to know that friends who love me and show me trust, honesty, love, and respect are truly "family" to me and will always be family to me! Thank you to those of you who are friends like that to me!

Poster Pic 11 - 8 Things to Give Up
This is a great reminder of things to give up... not necessarily" just for Lent" or for a season, but in order to be a healthy, integrated self. I'm still learning how to "give up" these things and probably will always need to make conscious choices to choose to think differently. I think it would also be helpful for me to replace these choices with confidence, thankfulness, courage, encouragement, affirmations, making decisions and moving on, humility, and self-awareness and acceptance.

Poster Pic 12 - The Most Beautiful People
Oftentimes, we do not know the stories behind the lives of people, even when we think we know the person well, and the struggles and difficulties they have gone through or are going through. This poster pic reminds me of a poetic story, The Most Beautiful Flower, by Cheryl Costello-Forshey. It has an unexpected twist that I think will touch your heart. May you find it beautiful, too, and may you find yourself, becoming more and more beautiful on the inside, as well! You can read it at: "The Most Beautiful Flower" and other poems, too!

Well, that's all for now! I hope you enjoyed these poster pics with me!

Precious Linda

Remembering Two, Great Men!!

I was surprised when I heard what people said about two men who died, ten years apart; one was almost 75 and the other had just turned 18. Both were well-loved, by those who knew them personally, and, also, by people around the world whose lives had been touched by them. The comment I heard about each man was: “When you were with him, he treated you, as if you were the most important person in the world.” When I heard the tribute for the second time, it struck my heart and touched me deeply, as something remarkable. I realized that both of these men had touched and changed my life, as well, even though I had never met either of them.

One man was Fred Rogers, best known as the television producer and host of Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood which ran for many years and continues to be seen on Public Television. He was a caring, compassionate man who encouraged children (and their parents, too!) to accept their feelings and uniqueness and to know they are loved, just as they are. He was also an educator, minister, songwriter, and author. The other, Zach Sobiech, is a lesser known man who, at the age of fourteen, learned that he had osteosarcoma, a bone cancer that usually develops in teenagers, when they are growing rapidly. He continued to live his life as fully as possible for the next four years, while undergoing 10 surgeries and 20 rounds of chemotherapy. Toward the end of his life, his mom suggested that he might like to write letters to his family members to remember him, after he passed on. Instead, he chose to write and sing songs. One of his songs, Clouds, became a hit song that has touched the hearts of people around the world. Although Zach's life was short, as compared to most others, he, too, left an amazing legacy of showing compassion and care for others, treating each person and oneself with respect, and living life to the fullest. Through various celebrations of Zach’s life, money is raised to fund osteosarcoma research for children.

I am glad I was able to enjoy and appreciate Mr. Rogers’ kind and gentle ways of interacting with his TV audience, when my children were younger, and being encouraged to love myself and others, as unique and special human beings. It was also nice to know that Fred Rogers was the same off-screen as he was on-screen. Although I never met Zach Sobiech, I see his spirit, heart, and humble personality shine through, as I watch him on YouTube videos, singing his songs and interacting with his family and friends. I appreciate his compassion for others, his joy in living life to the fullest, and making every day count.

I am grateful for the ways in which Fred Rogers and Zach Sobiech each used their time on earth to show compassion for others, to be gentle, but strong leaders by example, and for encouraging each of us to live our lives fully, doing whatever we know how to do and sharing it, as a gift of love, hope, and respect for the people in the world around us... beginning with… one person at time!

My favorite links about Fred Rogers include:

15 Quotes that Show That Mr. Rogers was a Perfect Human Being - http://www.buzzfeed.com/daves4/quotes-that-show-that-mr-rogers-was-a-perfect-human-being

10 Mr. Rogers Quotes You Need to Read - http://www.relevantmagazine.com/culture/10-mr-rogers-quotes-you-need-read

A very fast & fun explanation of 35 fun facts about Mr. Rogers – “35 Facts About Mr. Rogers – mental floss (Ep. 2) - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4Xck2ByutMg

My favorite links about Zach Sobiech include:

The video, “My Last Days: Meet Zach Sobiech” especially from 1:04 – 1:19 minutes and 21:57 – 22:08 minutes on the link: Zach Sobiech, 18-Year-Old ‘Clouds’ Singer, Leaves The World An Incredible Legacy - http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/05/21/zach-sobiech-18yearold-cl_n_3312838.html (There is other information and videos on this link, also.)

Zach’s family and friends lip-sync his song, Clouds, on a video collage, as a gift to him. See “My Last Days: Zach Sobiech ‘Clouds’ Celebrity Music Video” at: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7zxXAtmmLLc.

Thousands of Minnesotans Sing Zach Sobiech’s ‘Clouds’ at MOA - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r2O1ZPeexcs  (NOTE: MOA is the Mall of America in Bloomington, MN.)

POSTSCRIPT, WRITTEN ON MARCH 21, 2014:
I didn't realize why I sensed such a strong desire to write and post this on my blog yesterday about two, great men. I learned today that it was Fred Rogers' birthday yesterday (March 20th)! Isn't that rather uncanny? I also like what a friend posted today about Mr. Rogers. See: https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=10152244333450256&set=a.204442570255.129097.55715345255&type=1&relevant_count=1

Held in the Palm of His Hand

I came out to the living room this morning, preparing to sit and write in my favorite chair, when I saw the figurine a friend lent me yesterday, sitting on the round table next to my chair. 

My eyes teared up with joy and delight, a surprise to my system and being, as I thought of God’s love for me, that He holds me such that nothing can ever snatch me out of His hand and, also, as I thought of my friend’s expressions of compassion for me, knowing that her thoughts are with me, wishing me the best, even when we aren't together.

As I gently picked up the small figurine and held it in my hand, I pictured and sensed the Lord, holding me lovingly, cradling me in His hands and arms and heart, with the love of a mother or grandmother for her beloved child or grandchild.

Lord, may I never lose sight of this thought, belief, and sense of knowing that you will always hold me close in the palm of Your hand.

I love You, Lord! Forever! Amen!

Linda

The bottom of this figurine is printed with the following:

Palm of My Hand

See!

I will not

forget you…

I have carved

you on the palm

of my hand.

Isaiah 49:15

c. 1983, Roman, Inc.

See also Isaiah 49:15-16 and the verse I was thinking about: John 10:28-29.

You can find these verses at: http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Isaiah+49%3A15-16&version=NIV and http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=john+10:28-29.

If I told the truth...

If I told the truth...

I'd have to face my fears...

I’d have to accept whatever happened to me as real life, ugly and unbelievable as it was.

I’d have to find a way to accept my past, my parents, and others who hurt me or neglected me.

I’d have to own up to being not quite there… here… in the moment.

I’d have to come to the point of knowing that TRUTH hurts – it damn well hurts and the past cannot be re-written, and yet, in some ways, it can because, it’s over and will never happen again, to me, as it did happen to me, as a child.

If I told the truth, even to myself, I’d need to show compassion to the young parts of me that got stuck in their development and, basically, love and accept them and show tenderness to them. I’d need to forgive the evildoers and those who did wrong to me and harmed me.

If I told the truth, I would need to accept myself as I am, here and now, and do what I need to do to help myself, all of me, grow up in the ways God intended and intends for me.

If I told the truth? No, I will tell the truth and am continuing to tell the truth. I will grow up!!

Precious Linda, c. 2013

This was written last fall, while in a class, "The Lost Art of Personal Writing - Finding Your Voice," with the prompt of: "If I told the truth." 

Who Determines How to Celebrate Christmas, Anyway?

I used to blatantly, agree with those who said or posted on fb, “Keep Christ in Christmas!” or “Christ is the Reason for the Season!” but recently, as I’ve been meeting new and different people in my various writing groups, I realize that Christmas means different things to different people and it’s very judgmental of me to think I know how someone else should think about Christ or celebrate Christmas!

It was easier and fun celebrating Christmas when the kids were little. We sang Christmas carols and other fun Christmas songs, decorated our tree, sometimes with a train under it, set out other favorite decorations, and counted the days until Christmas, using a wall-hanging with a felt Christmas tree and 24 pockets holding felt ornaments that each stuck to the tree. A nativity set was placed on the top of a three-shelf unit, with the animals eating from the manger and aluminum foil stars shining on the wall behind it. Until Christmas Eve, the shepherds watched their sheep on the piano, the wise men sought the star of the East from a distant, corner end table, and Mary and Joseph and their donkey made their way to the stable, from the vantage point of the top of a stereo system. (Baby Jesus was either hidden away, until the appropriate time, or, in later years, He was wrapped in plastic or cloth and attached to Mary with a rubber band… for the effect that she was actually pregnant.) They all managed to convene at the stable on Christmas Eve, except for the wise men who actually took longer to arrive.

On Christmas Eve, we read the Christmas story from a children’s Bible story book and acted out the Nativity story and went to a Christmas Eve service, sang songs, and opened gifts from each other. Sometimes, we watched The Best Christmas Pageant Ever or another Christmas movie. On Christmas morning, there were stockings filled with treats and a gift or two from Santa. We decorated pre-cut cookies and ate brunch together. Sometimes, we visited our families back home, spending Christmas Eve with one family and Christmas Day with the other. As I look back, it was fun and traditional for us, but in other ways, it was rather “formal,” stilted, and, oftentimes, predictable, almost as if it were pre-arranged and a production of sorts, planned mostly by me, with little room for spontaneity, new ways of doing things, and barely accepting the changing feelings and beliefs or desires of each child, as they grew towards and into adulthood. Now, with our kids grown and some married, and one with a child, we have the opportunity to find and create new ways to celebrate Christmas, as a family, whether we are together in one location or have some family members far away.

I remember one Christmas when I chose not to set up the tree because I didn't see how it had anything to do with Christ or Christianity. Instead, I set out a makeshift manger by using a cardboard, tote box with a doll. However, my three-year-old didn’t understand why we couldn’t have a tree like other people. I set up the tree the next year, with the tote box manger next to it, and continued to do so, for many years after that.

I’m learning that beliefs are very personal and we really cannot dictate or teach them to others. We can only share our beliefs and invite others to consider them. We can choose to accept the beliefs of others, as true for them, at that particular time in their lives and realize that some beliefs will change, over time, with knowledge, experience, deeper faith and understanding. We may spend time with and work together with others who share similar beliefs.  However, if we only hang out with those who think the same way we do, because we think we are “right,” then I think that would be cliquish or acting Pharisaical.

I’m not saying that it’s not important to consider who we hang out with or who we choose as our closest friends. I wonder why some people, and I have been one of them, become so afraid of changing how we think or act that we feel as if we will fall out of a boat and become lost in a sea of churning thoughts and ideas or be shunned by those who disagree with us. Perhaps, it’s true and we’re afraid of changing the way we have thought or believed as truth for such a long time. I realize now, it is very important to carefully consider the truth of what we interpreted to be true, as children, and be willing to clarify or even change the long-held values, thoughts, beliefs, and behaviors that we no longer believe are true for us today.

I remember, as a kid, reading or hearing Psalm 23 and being afraid of the Good Shepherd who had a rod and staff. I thought those items were used to hit and hurt those who were disobedient. That psalm certainly didn’t comfort me back then. I didn’t realize the rod and staff were used by a shepherd to protect the sheep from predators and to retrieve any sheep who feel off a ledge. I was also fearful and confused about a prayer I said before I went to sleep, as a child: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep. If I should die before I wake, I pray the Lord my soul to take.” I became confused about which part of the prayer used “keep” and “take” and wondered what would happen to me, if I said the prayer wrong. I also didn’t relish dying in the middle of the night. It was not a calming prayer for me, as a child. Now I know that God doesn’t care if I mess up the words of a prayer. He just wants me to love and trust Him and become the unique and creative person He created me to be.

I’m reminded of another verse in the Bible that says, when we are children, we think like a child, but when we become men or women, our childish ways pass. Well, I’m here to say that I have gray hair… no, silver hair… and, although I’m no longer a child, I am still learning to become more and more of an adult, seeking and learning truths and finding that many of my beliefs were formed when I didn’t fully understand something, as a child, many years ago. I’m also noticing that those thoughts and related feelings, sometimes, pop up in my life, as reactions, and need to be addressed from an adult perspective. I’m willing to set aside my childish ways and thoughts and am making choices to grow and continue to mature in areas of showing compassion, mercy, grace, and forgiveness towards myself and others, as well as, serving others, things that weren’t expressed or taught clearly to me, while growing up.  

One example of being more considerate toward others includes how I act while driving. For me, this includes not only blessing those drivers who zoom past me or cut me off, after the initial shock and adjusting my driving to suddenly accommodate them, but realizing we are all driving somewhere… as a community of drivers, driving in lanes around each other. I can choose to be gracious and kind and allow safe, following distances and room for another car to change lanes instead of tailing someone ahead of me, driving in a reckless manner around other drivers, or basically, acting as if I own the road. It may seem like something small to you, but for me, it’s showing compassion for others who are on the road with me and a way of showing the spirit of Christ to others, without being preachy.

In my heart and spirit, I can celebrate Christmas by remembering, celebrating, and being thankful that God sent His son, Jesus Christ, into the world, not to condemn the world, but to save the world through Him. (For many, many decades, I believed that Jesus came to condemn the world. This is another example of living with twisted Scripture or faulty beliefs. The thought of God condemning the world terrified and terrifies me!) I can also be mindful of others, their needs, worries, concerns, doubts, and joys during and throughout this Christmas season and accept their beliefs as uniquely their own.

No matter how, when, or if you celebrate Christmas or the “holidays” this year, I hope you experience peace, joy, and love in your heart and spirit, enjoying times of connection with others, in your home, at a bus stop, mall or restaurant, at a gathering, or while on the road to wherever you are going.

I ask God’s blessings for you this Christmas and holiday season and throughout this New Year!

Wishing Peace and Love to you, and to your loved ones, today and always!

Precious Linda

P.S. If you would like to know why I kept my Christmas tree up all year and have celebrated Christmas and God’s love and the love of my beloved, deceased grandmother, every day this past year, you can read about it and see pictures at: http://twowhitebutterflies.blogspot.com/2013/03/happy-easter.html. 

I also wrote about dealing with grief over my grandmother passing away on this day, December 20^th, over four decades ago, in this post: http://twowhitebutterflies.blogspot.com/2013/02/the-end.html.

Space and Margins - Providing Room for Grace to Grow

How often do we leave extra time for reaching our destination or for completing a task?

How often do I wait until the last minute, in order to provide a “built-in” deadline?

How often do I procrastinate because I think, “Whatever I am planning to do won’t be good enough?”

Am I missing out on something? Am I allowing room for grace to grow in my life and look for opportunities to share grace with others?

Without leaving space and margins of time and energy, when planning my day and executing it, I believe, I lose the ability to exhibit responsible “self-control” over what happens to me and my thoughts, both internally and externally. I give up my ability to thoughtfully choose what I think or what I will do and, instead, become reactive to what happens to me, as if I am a victim of my circumstances or “lack of time.” I also give up responsibility for my emotional well-being. I no longer leave room to deal with, or even to accept, my emotions and what’s happening to me and do not see or accept interruptions as opportunities for personal growth and expressions of faith and grace but, rather, as if someone threw a monkey wrench in the works.

Without space or margins, I am only living “on the fly,” like a hamster on a wheel, mindlessly trying to catch something that is impossible to catch, or trying to do something that is impossible to do, such as taking on too many tasks or trying to achieve too many goals, for which there is not enough time to complete. I have “put off  until tomorrow” something that I had hoped to do today, only to find out that “tomorrow” already has enough to do. It’s as if I am trying to “borrow time” and end up with a “credit card debt” of time that can never be paid back.

Why do I do this? Could it be that being “busy” with anything is a way to distract me from conflicting thoughts or feelings, from the present or the past, that I prefer to keep pacified, at bay, caged up, or buried? I am slowly realizing that until I allow myself to feel the feelings that I am avoiding, they will not go away, but will remain “harbored” in my body, as an emotional cancer, eating away at my mind, my heart, and my soul, causing havoc within my spirit.

Now, as I contemplate and experience my day, I am learning to pay attention to the feelings that surface and to determine whether they relate to the present moment or to something from the past. When I choose to identify the feelings and allow them to flow, like water over a dam, they actually dissipate and pass on by, leaving me relaxed, calm, peaceful, and able to understand the thoughts behind them and make choices without fear or angst. My spirit is free to soar again in a state of peace and love, and I am able to show grace and compassion to myself and to others.

Precious Linda, c. 2013