I Wish I Could Die!

I wish I could die and not feel all this pain.

I wish I could fly over rocky road shame.

I wish I could never be trampled on again.

I wish I could end it! When will my life end?

I’m helpless, it’s true! It makes me feel blue.

Yellow-bellied, lily-livered, through and through.

My life is a waste. Don’t tell me, “Somehow,

It’s worth it to live and I’ll take a bow.”

My parents don’t love me; they don’t seem to care.

I feel like an orphan or soiled underwear. 

My friends are too busy, or don’t really know why

I avoid them, and tremble; and then, I just sigh.

Others in this world have it better than me.

Some others have it worse - a lot worse, I see.

Perhaps I’m in the middle of the “Yuck-o-Meter” now.

I wonder if I can find my way out of this, somehow.

I've heard it said in the really Good Book:

Sometimes you need to stop, and just take a look

At what’s really around you, and not too far

From the place you are standing, just where you are.

It needs to be okay to be where you are.

You've come a long way, so follow your Star.

I can’t find it! I can’t see! It’s way too dark for me!

Then turn on a light, or follow One closely.

It really doesn't matter; just get on the move

To become unstuck and to find your groove!

My breathing has settled; I’m much calmer, you know.

There was so much pent-up energy, I had to let go!

I thank you, profusely, for letting me vent;

I hope I didn't ding you up, or give you a dent.

Sometimes my emotions and feelings go wild.

It truly wasn't easy for me, as a child.

Sometimes, I get triggered and really confused,

Mixing past hurts and present ones, with similar cues.

For now, I will breathe, and relax for a while,

Sit down, and enjoy a much calmer lifestyle.

And then, I will get up and realize somehow

That I am a bit different; I do not know how.

I’m glad I took time to listen to me.

I’m no longer the same; I’m happier, you see,

‘Cause I've made it past another big hurdle today.

With practice, it will be easier, come what may.

Precious Linda, c. 2014

I slightly edited and revised this poem and posted it here on November 7, 2014.

Encouraging Poster Pics!

I've come across many "poster pics" on fb that I find encouraging and thought-provoking. I'd like to share a few that I found today at: Words of Wisdom, along with some comments and additional links. Enjoy!!

Poster Pic 1 - Learn to Love
This poster pic reminds me of a story about thorns and being thankful for the thorns in our lives. If you wish to read it, you can read it here: Thankful for the Thorns

 

 Poster Pic 2 - God will never leave you empty.
This reminds me that God loves us and knows what's best for us. If He asks us to let go of something, or even chooses to "prune" us, it's because He has something better in mind for us and for those whose lives we touch. God knows how to give the perfect gifts to us.

Poster Pic 3 - Searching
What a great reminder that I am the only one who can make changes in my life.

Poster Pic 4 - 7 Rules of Life
It's taken me quite a while to learn these rules. Some of them, I'm still learning. Even so, I believe they are all true.

Poster Pic 5 - The Best Place in the World
What an amazing and special place to be.

Poster Pic 6 - Actions Speak Louder Than Words

This is a great reminder of how what we think is not seen and our actions speak louder than words. It also reminds me that "faith without works is dead." I need to be sure my words and actions and thoughts are the same and coming through in my interactions with others.

Poster Pic 7 - I am Your Parent
I believe this is true of GRANDPARENTS, as well! :)

Poster Pic 8 - Beautiful Has Nothing To  Do With Looks
I like this saying. If someone knows that they are loved, they will be more open to listening to another and even, perhaps, look to them as a role model or mentor. These types of people, those who love us and we know we are accepted by them, no matter what, are remembered forever... just like my grandmother who died when I was twelve. Since love never ends, I know her love continues for me, too!

Poster Pic 9 - Faith is Taking the First Step 
Sometimes, I can be afraid to take the next step... in doing something new or in doing what I need to do. Interestingly, when I take that "one step," it opens up a whole new set of steps and opportunities that I didn't have before! Although, I don't necessarily know where my "first step" or the next one will lead to, I can take those steps with that God know where they lead. If I follow His lead or His "still, small voice," I know He will be there beside and within me, giving me the strength and wisdom to do what He asks of me and "make my path straight." I hadn't really thought that "just one step" can also be a step of faith, when we don't know where we are going or what will happen. Even so, the Lord is with me and also with you, if we just acknowledge and trust Him.

Poster Pic 10 - Friends That are Like Family
On days when my family seems distant or far away, it's nice to know that friends who love me and show me trust, honesty, love, and respect are truly "family" to me and will always be family to me! Thank you to those of you who are friends like that to me!

Poster Pic 11 - 8 Things to Give Up
This is a great reminder of things to give up... not necessarily" just for Lent" or for a season, but in order to be a healthy, integrated self. I'm still learning how to "give up" these things and probably will always need to make conscious choices to choose to think differently. I think it would also be helpful for me to replace these choices with confidence, thankfulness, courage, encouragement, affirmations, making decisions and moving on, humility, and self-awareness and acceptance.

Poster Pic 12 - The Most Beautiful People
Oftentimes, we do not know the stories behind the lives of people, even when we think we know the person well, and the struggles and difficulties they have gone through or are going through. This poster pic reminds me of a poetic story, The Most Beautiful Flower, by Cheryl Costello-Forshey. It has an unexpected twist that I think will touch your heart. May you find it beautiful, too, and may you find yourself, becoming more and more beautiful on the inside, as well! You can read it at: "The Most Beautiful Flower" and other poems, too!

Well, that's all for now! I hope you enjoyed these poster pics with me!

Precious Linda

Clichés and Half-Baked Truths

A lot of sayings have been passed on from generation to generation. Many have nuggets of truth and wisdom.  Others, however, are only partially true or not true at all.  Perhaps someone has encountered a “dumb blonde,” once in a while, but it certainly doesn’t mean that all blondes are like those depicted in the “dumb blonde jokes.”  

One saying I have heard and used is, “Parents have eyes in the back of their heads!” Yes, parents do have a way of knowing things that go beyond what they can see with their own two eyes. They hear things and listen well to the words between what is said or they watch the body language or facial expressions of a person.

Even so, as I contemplated talking with a friend about things I’d rather not remember, things that might fall under the category of family secrets, I found myself saying, “I can’t say anything about what I feel or think.”

“Why not?” she asked?

“Because parents have eyes in the backs of their heads,” I replied.

She looked at me and asked, “Is that true?”

“No,” I answered.

“Are they here?”

“No,” I answered, again.

“So, they won’t know unless you tell them or I do. I won’t and it’s your choice, if you tell them.”

She was right. Parents do not have eyes in the back of their heads, so some clichés, although partially true, may not be true at all!

Precious Linda, c. 2014.

Held in the Palm of His Hand

I came out to the living room this morning, preparing to sit and write in my favorite chair, when I saw the figurine a friend lent me yesterday, sitting on the round table next to my chair. 

My eyes teared up with joy and delight, a surprise to my system and being, as I thought of God’s love for me, that He holds me such that nothing can ever snatch me out of His hand and, also, as I thought of my friend’s expressions of compassion for me, knowing that her thoughts are with me, wishing me the best, even when we aren't together.

As I gently picked up the small figurine and held it in my hand, I pictured and sensed the Lord, holding me lovingly, cradling me in His hands and arms and heart, with the love of a mother or grandmother for her beloved child or grandchild.

Lord, may I never lose sight of this thought, belief, and sense of knowing that you will always hold me close in the palm of Your hand.

I love You, Lord! Forever! Amen!

Linda

The bottom of this figurine is printed with the following:

Palm of My Hand

See!

I will not

forget you…

I have carved

you on the palm

of my hand.

Isaiah 49:15

c. 1983, Roman, Inc.

See also Isaiah 49:15-16 and the verse I was thinking about: John 10:28-29.

You can find these verses at: http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Isaiah+49%3A15-16&version=NIV and http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=john+10:28-29.

A Letter to My Dying Aunt

I learned my aunt had been admitted to the "Comfort Care" wing of the hospital to spend her final days on earth. I was too sick to visit her so I wrote the following letter and poem, hoping someone could read it to her and she would be able to receive it. 

Dear Auntie,

I wish I could be there with you or even talk with you on the phone, but I am sick with a cold and cough and my voice is rather raspy, so I’m not sure if you could hear me well.

I want you to know how much I love you and have always appreciated your warm welcome to me and to my family, with a great big smile and a big hug. You have always welcomed us with joy and grace.

Thank you for your love and prayers for our family. (Thank you, too, Uncle!!) We really appreciate them very much. Thank you for the many, wonderful family reunions you and Uncle and your family have hosted. They were always great times, with many special memories to cherish. Thank you also for the delicious meals you have shared with us and with me, too!

I have always been impressed with how your family loves, cares for, and enjoys spending time together! Thank you for your part in raising your kids, along with Uncle, to be such fine, wonderful, caring, and loving people who love the Lord. Your love and theirs have been shared with so many other people, with spouses and children, with students, with the kids at the Y, and with so many others that I don’t even know about. Thank you for sharing God’s love with others, in the many and meaningful ways that you have and still do.

I love you and I’m going to miss you very much. I know the Lord is calling you home, but I will still miss seeing you and spending our special moments together. Thank you for showing me your knitting and telling me more about it at A’s graduation. I am so glad you were able to be there and I’m glad I could come, too!

I don't have much more to say, except that I love you and I always will because love never ends! Isn't that great!!

Yes, I have tears streaming down my face now. I wish I could be there with you and your family.

God bless you, in this time, with His amazing Presence and peace and with those who love and care about you, whether in person or in spirit. May He give you comfort as He gets you ready to see the KING of kings. God bless you in your homegoing journey and I look forward to seeing you when I get there, too! If you are able, will you please say, “Hi!” to Grandma (L) for me and let her know that her amazing love for me has been with me for all of these years, too, and I look forward to seeing her when I get there? Thanks!

I love you, Auntie!! Very, very much!! I love you for always!!

Linda

Hello and love from T and our family, with thanks, and prayers, too!

A Short Poem for You, Auntie!

It won’t be long now, until you see the face of our dear Savior!

How wonderful that will be!

To sit as His feet and listen to His words of love for you!

To see His beautiful face for eternity!!

God bless you on your journey!

I wish that I could come,

Along with you, now and forever,

But my work is not yet done.

Go faithfully, dear sister,

My very dear Aunt E, too.

Until I see you on the other side…

I will think of and miss you.

Go in peace, my dear one.

Our Savior is calling your name.

It won’t be much longer until

Together, with Him, you will reign!!

Praise the Lord for His love and goodness,

For His amazing peace and grace.

Find joy in His many blessings,

Until you see Him face to face!

God Speed and Happy Homegoing, Auntie!

With love and joy, as we celebrate this blessed event in your beautiful life!

Thank you for being such a precious and wonderful YOU and for being a vessel to carry God’s amazing love to others!

I love you, Auntie E, for always and forever!

In Jesus’ name, I pray, praise, and thank God for you and for His amazing gift of love, seen in you and through Jesus Christ and His Holy Spirit! May your homegoing be a time of peace and joy! Amen and Amen!!

Linda

Precious Linda, 2013

Santa and Mrs. Claus

“Ho! Ho! Ho!” and “Hee! Hee! Hee!”

Santa couldn't find his Viking’s jersey

The one for a boy named, Tommy LeRoy

Who thought it was better than a brand new toy.

He knew who to ask, when he was stumped;

His beautiful wife was such a trump!

Mrs. Claus was always jovial like he

And graced his presence with cookies and glee.

Yes, the two were certainly quite a pair

Living on cookies and delightful sweets to share.

They weren't too fond of venison, you know,

‘Cause Rudolph and the others would take that as a blow.

Mrs. Claus met Santa on his very first ride,

Trying out his new sleigh when it crashed into the side

Of a tree and a snow bank, causing Mrs. Claus to fall

Head over heels, looking like a snow ball.

Santa jumped quickly to save this young thing,

Thinking she was beautiful enough to sing:

“Oh, what a delight to my eyes you appear!

Will you marry me and become my Sweetheart, you dear?”

Mrs. Claus was shaken and quite a bit surprised.

Wiping snow from her face, she peered through her eyes.   

With surprise and delight and some mischief and fun,

She nodded to him and they became one.

A team of love to share with others, far and near,

On Christmas Day and every day, throughout the year.

If you travel up north, you will certainly find

Two of the most delightful people, of any kind.

Precious Linda, 2013

I originally wrote this at my Practice Writing Group, earlier this year. I published it on my "Writing for Fun" blog. Since it's Christmastime now, I thought it would be fun to share it here with you, too! Enjoy!

My Vending Machine God

I have, oftentimes, looked to God as a “vending machine god.” You know, the one I can go to anytime, pull a lever and out comes a blessing. Maybe it’s a blessing in “disguise,” but nevertheless, it’s God’s answer.

How often have I treated God this way, looking toward Him with a greedy, little heart, asking whatever I want and hoping He will give me His blessings or “rubber stamp” my agenda with His “O.K.?”

It grieves me to know that I truly have done this, many times, throughout my life. Sitting in a pew doesn’t make me a Christian. Praying and asking my “Vending Machine God” to bless someone doesn’t either. No, there must be something more.

This morning, as I was going through my “Good morning, Linda” conversation (http://twowhitebutterflies.blogspot.com/2013/03/good-morning-linda.html), instead of just reading, “Be still and know… trust… that I am God, Linda” and checking it off, as if in agreement, I wrote: “I am still (quiet) before You… listening, waiting, seeking You!” and sensed God saying, “Thank you!” However, I had intended to write… and somewhat pridefully, I hate to admit, “I am still (quiet), before you… seeking Your will, Your word, Your Spirit”… but, as I thought about what I was about to write, I noticed that my words had the idea or sense of “What can You give me, God?” rather than anticipating what He wanted to share with me, in that moment.

I was flabbergasted! I was appalled! Here, I thought I was “doing my duty,” coming before God, early in the morning, acknowledging Him – just like I was supposed to… and found out my heart wasn’t in the right place. Instead of coming to God with reverence and awe and humility, I came boldly, as a rash, prideful child or teenager, expecting something from Him rather than anticipating the joy of an intimate relationship with Him. I came to Him like someone holding her hand out to her father with the thought of, “What are you going to give me today?”

Oh, I’m so ashamed! I have treated my beloved Heavenly Father like a vending machine, expecting blessings and words of wisdom and nuggets of truth and power to do whatever I thought was best.

Tears are filling my eyes, as I realize how much God loves me, knowing how I’ve treated Him. He loves me, and you, so much that He sent His only begotten Son to live in human form in this world… to be born as a baby… to teach us what this loving, Father-Son relationship really looks like… with interactive trust, hope, faith, love, and the power of the Holy Spirit… with the plan that Jesus would be the perfect, sacrificial Lamb of God for the Jews, first, for the forgiveness of their sins, and then for the Gentiles, for all of mankind (or, humankind, if you prefer).  And, not only that, but for all who believe in Jesus, as the Son of God and as their Savior and Lord, we are given a new name, adopted as sons and daughters of the Father, provided with the gift of the Holy Spirit to empower and enable us to be renewed, transformed, and restored in our minds and hearts and healed of wounds and bitterness, and given the hope of resurrection and eternal life with the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit… with God Almighty, beginning now and forever.

I have taken this all for granted and, worse, I have taken God for granted, too, expecting that He will do what’s best for me since He is a loving God, but without accepting the responsibilities of being a growing and maturing follower of Jesus Christ and responsible member of His family. I’m embarrassed to say, I have been an immature, irresponsible child… yes, even as a child of God… who has thought more about what I want and what I think than of what my Heavenly Father desires for me and for you and for all of humankind.

Lord? I’m ready to listen… I’m here with You!

XOXO Linda

Precious Linda, c. 2013

Happy Easter!!

A few thoughts I'd like to share today...

Believe it or not, I took my Christmas tree down in January and put it back up a day or so later. The lights lit... at night or during the day... remind me of LOVE! I put my favorite ornaments on it that remind me of love, too. 

What an appropriate and fun way to celebrate EASTER today, with the reminder of God's amazing love for us, through the One who said, "I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life." (John 8:12, NIV) 

What stood out to me, in this close-up picture of my tree, was the star and the angels... and how at Christmas, we refer to the amazing star that led the wise men to find Jesus and how the angels appeared to Mary and Joseph and the shepherds and, now, at Easter, we remember the angel at the empty tomb. 

This morning, it was fun for me to see this star and these angel ornaments on my tree and to remember... the coming of Christ was foretold by the prophets; angels spoke of His coming to Mary and Joseph and John and Elizabeth; an angel or angels spoke to the disciples who were dismayed that Jesus had been crucified and were so surprised to find the EMPTY TOMB; and how, when an angel asked why they were looking for the living among the dead, he went on to say, "He is not here, but He has risen!!" (You can read more of these amazing events in Luke 24.) 


This morning, I posted on Facebook:

"This is the day the LORD has made! We will rejoice and be glad in it! Christ is risen indeed! Hallelujah!! Hallelujah!!" 

I chose not to include the Bible reference for the first two sentences, but looked them up to be sure they were accurate. Surprisingly, someone else posted: "The stone the builders rejected has become the cornerstone; the Lord has done this, and it is marvelous in our eyes. The Lord has done it this very day; let us rejoice today and be glad." (Psalm 118:22-24 NIV) and I recognized his use of Psalm 118, so I looked at the chapter and found: 

"Open to me the gates of righteousness; I will go through them, And I will praise the Lord. This is the gate of the Lord, Through which the righteous shall enter. I will praise You, For You have answered me, And have become my salvation. The stone which the builders rejected Has become the chief cornerstone. This was the Lord’s doing; It is marvelous in our eyes. This is the day the Lord has made; We will rejoice and be glad in it." Psalm 118:19-24, NKJV.

I truly rejoice in this day!! Hallelujah! Praise the LORD!! He is risen indeed!


One other picture I found interesting and would like to share with you is:

 (You can find it at: https://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn1/11632_162935702086_6637905_n.jpg)

I am so grateful for God's forgiveness for me and for all who believe in His Son!

May you be blessed, as you consider the amazing love of our Creator and how He sent His Son, as a babe, to grow into manhood and teach us about God's amazing love and grace for all of us, through His words, spirit, and actions, while living among us on earth, and then through His sacrificial death as the "perfect Lamb of God" to "pay our debts" so that we may be truly forgiven for choosing to "go our own way" rather than the way that our loving and most merciful God created for us... to live in love... loving God, loving ourselves, and  loving others, using the amazing gifts and talents God has given us, for His glorious, amazing, and loving purposes for us all.

Happy Easter and God bless you! This is the day the Lord has made! Let us rejoice and be glad in it!!

Linda

Two White Butterflies - A Watercolor Painting

Watercolors by Joan E. Konyn
Mazomanie, WI 53560
c. 2007-2013
Used with permission.

"Two White Butterflies" is a watercolor painting by my friend, Joan Konyn, who understood the joy I experienced when I was deeply grieving my father-in-law's passing. While walking around the lake at a local park, I asked God, "Where is Dad?" and I suddenly came upon two, brilliant, white butterflies that reminded me that my deceased father-in-law was in the presence of Christ and that's all I needed to know. 

The painting reminds me that "love never ends" and these two, white butterflies could also represent God and me, my husband and me, a friend and me, or two friends who care about each other. 

I have referred to this painting as, "Two White Butterflies" but recently noticed that Joan had written on the back of the painting, "Peaceful Butterflies." Either way, I hope you will experience the amazing love of God and His peace in your heart, mind, soul, and spirit, today and always! 

With love, Linda

Watercolor Painting - Two White Butterflies or Two Peaceful Butterflies by c. Joan E. Konyn, 2007-2013, used with permission.

Text of Two White Butterflies - A Watercolor Painting - L.K.E., 2013

the self-critic and the judge

snippets of thoughts, playful words

a hodgepodge of intentions

never meeting hands, feet, and brain

at the same time

a clutter of ideas and hopes

churning and simmering

boil over and become

a burnt offering of tasty intentions

swirls of thoughts

like colors on a palette

that never reach canvas                                              

plans, hopes, ideas

great ideas

waiting for a brush stroke,

yearning to burst forth

into radiant strokes of beauty,

deep shades of passion,

contrasting with darker strokes

of fear, loss, and pain

I can’t. I won’t.

I feel overwhelmed,   

trembling with excitement and hope,

mixed with fear.

What if

I make a mistake,

share an inappropriate thought,

get laughed at,

ridiculed, or criticized?

I must write and paint

words and colors deep within,

waiting to burst forth

from within my soul

onto the canvas before me.

Now, I must decide

whether to share this canvas

with you,

with others,

or keep it for my eyes only.

I must choose

to be or not to be

myself

on the canvas of life

with you

or

nothing at all

to you.

Precious Linda, c. 2012

The End

The end… it will never happen again. The end… it brings me such sadness… a death, the end of a life. The end… of a relationship, of a trip to a new land, of a job, of mothering young children, of a dream.

The sadness that comes over me, when saying goodbye and not knowing if I’ll see the person again can be overwhelming.

The end. What’s this? It’s not… the end?

Someone told me that with every ending, there is a new beginning. Could they possibly know something I do not yet know? When Grandma died, she left this world five days before Christmas. It was, for me, as a 12-year-old, a terrible ending… one that took me over forty years to grieve, feeling overwhelmed with sadness, every time I thought of her. Yet, with full, deeper grieving, came acceptance and the ability to celebrate her life and memories of her and a realization that her spirit of love is with me always… a new beginning of life in the spirit, apart from the body, for her… and a new beginning for me to celebrate her life, rather than to constantly be overwhelmed with sadness and grief.

I’ve slowly begun to realize that when I experience the end of something, I need to pause and to wait… to let the end be… and allow the sadness to flow and the acceptance to grow and when the tears, as if raindrops, fall gently on the soil of my soul… something new pops up… unexpected. I have found that, if I continue to hold on to the old and dead thing, I will never have hands ready to grasp the new.

Last year, after attending two churches every Sunday for over eight years and church for practically all of my life, I sensed God wanting me to stop attending both churches completely and just spend the time with Him alone and in His word, walking and talking with Him on walks outdoors. It was weird for me… and different… a type of ending and I didn’t know how long it would last. It went on for months… almost a year… and then, I began thinking how nice it would be to go somewhere for Christmas. A postcard arrived in the mail inviting me to a new church that was to meet at a nearby school. I went and it has truly been a new beginning for me… with new, innovative ways of reaching people right where they are, hearing God’s word in ways that touch the heart and soul, vivid experiences of realities of life, shared through video clips, drama, and word pictures, and meeting people who are real and genuinely caring and not just stuffy or overly intellectual.

It is truly a new beginning that could only happen by reaching the end… and waiting patiently for something new to begin.

Precious Linda, c. 2012

My First Step

There is a path I’m drawn to

   It beckons me, and yet,

I seem to shyly turn away

   When I begin to fret.

The path has tears and joys, I know,

   A place to go and roam

To bring to life my fears and dreams

   And places I call home.

I need to turn and face the path

   And listen to the song

That draws me closer to my dream

   The place where I belong.

So, today, I will begin anew,

   The thing I need to do

To bring me to the place I’ll be

   One with you and one with me.

 May this be the beginning

   Of a relationship with you

That brings us joy and meaning

  And purpose in all we do.                

Together, as we walk along

  May love be in our hearts,    

As we begin to sing a song

   And take a fresh, new start.

This path begins with just one step.

   I’m ready now, and so

I’ll take that step, with a breath of faith.

   I’m ready now, let’s go!

Precious Linda, c. 2013